Mental Health Series: Me.

I've been sat on the fence with posting this for ages; funnily enough a result of anxiety. But here I am taking the plunge and being brave.

'Mental health' is still something that is very taboo, even in this day and age. I think whenever someone hears the term 'mental illness' their mind diverts them to an image of someone strapped to a bed screaming or bashing their head against the wall. I think what people don't realise is that there are cases that aren't necessarily smaller in comparison, but when looking at someone's face are less obvious. It's bubbling just underneath the surface, waiting until they get back to their room where they can scream into a pillow, letting out all of the energy that's been spent fighting their own brain 24 hours a day. Various mental illnesses affect many of my family and friends and it's something that if you don't really know much about, it can easily be shrugged off or forgotten. I think the most common way this happens is that mental illnesses aren't really seen as 'illnesses'. A panic attack is a symptom of increased anxiety, just as a fever is a symptom of the flu. Neither can be helped, and neither are easy to deal with.

Recently i've been told I have anxiety, social anxiety to be specific. At first, it doesn't seem that big of a deal, and whilst I don't want a massive deal to be made about it, I feel like people need to be educated about it as there really isn't enough awareness about mental illnesses.

Throughout the next couple of months, I will be publishing various posts about mental illnesses written by different people with their own experiences and feelings about the subject. This is with the hope that it will help someone, anyone. Even if just one person benefits from the various tips or feels encouraged to go get some help, then this post will have achieved it's purpose.

Little quote from my Queen, Michelle.

I will be honest, the first time someone told me they had anxiety (before I knew it was a thing), I thought to myself "so you just get a little bit nervous every now and again?". I couldn't have been more wrong. I feel like this is many people's reaction as a lot of individual's aren't educated in this at all. Anxiety isn't just feeling nervous. It isn't something that someone can help. And panic attacks can happen out of nowhere. I myself have never had a panic attack, and the way some people describe them, I don't really want to. But that's out of my control. Anxiety means your brain is different to others, and I know lots of people flinch at the word 'different' but it's true. The best way I can describe it to those who aren't familiar is it means your brain is hardwired to go into panic mode from certain triggers, and this 'panic mode' can't be controlled or reigned in very easily. Sometimes you don't even need a trigger, your brain just panics.

For as long as I can remember I have never been able to relax in a room of people, I am permanently on edge: my brain in a constant state of panic waiting for something to happen or wondering what everyone is thinking about me. I struggle to speak in front of a group of people, I am extremely uncomfortable when meeting new people, 90% of the day my brain is trying to figure out what people think about me - and I wish this was an exaggeration. Just think about how tiring that is, constantly battling the thoughts that are trapped in your brain, even when you don't want to think them. Whilst writing this post i'm thinking about how I will be judged by anyone who reads it, but I want to be as honest as possible in the hope that it will help someone. It was a big step for me when I decided to post the links to my blog on Facebook, and it's still something I struggle with now. Every time I post a link to my blog on social media i'm thinking about who will read it and what they will think about me. Someone said to me a few weeks ago, "you're the most confident person with anxiety i've ever met". This isn't true. In fact, I don't think my self confidence has ever been so low, my voice just seems to get louder to overcompensate and to cover up the fact that my body is completely on edge. It's either one or the other, i'll come across as confident because i'm overcompensating and being forward, or i'll be completely reserved and just listen to conversations rather than partaking in them.

I'll be honest, it's also affected situations at University too. Sometimes I just get so tired of arguing with myself in my head about worrying what people will think about what i'm wearing, how I look, what bag I use, how I talk, what my hair looks like, what shoes i'm wearing... that I just decide my day will be easier to just stay at home and pretend i'm physically ill. Every morning I get changed and i'm not picking out clothes because of what I want to wear, it's what I think people i'm seeing that day will think look nice.

But that's enough about me. There are a few more people that you're going to hear from throughout the next couple of months, so I hope you'll stick around and listen to them. If you would like to contribute a post to this series - let me know via the contact me page. And if you've listened to me, thank you, because that was hard for me to write.

Annabel

PS. I found this article the other day, it's only a short one but it sums it up really well; Thought catalogue